"The Product Of A Dysfunctional Family"

Hey Guys! Im Interning And Writing Reviews For A Music Website.  www.backstageaxxess.com

CheckItOut! And Let Me Know How You Like My Writing Skills :) (All The Reviews I Wrote Say "Written By Jade Baird)

I Work For The Website www.backstageaxxess.com And My Manager Is Going To ROCK ON THE RANGE, And Will Be Interviewing BERT MCCRACKEN From THE USED! I, As His Teen Intern, And A Used Fan, Have A Greater Influence On What He Asks Bert.

So What Would You Ask? Are You Willing To Help Me Out And Get Some Info In Return?

There Will Only Be 10 Questions Asked, And I Will Ask Some Of My Own, But I'll Read All Questions And I Hope You Help Me Out :) And Of Coarse I'll Be Posting The Link To The Interview When Its Up :)

                                                                                       Thanxxxx!!

I Just Resently Got Employed For An Internship For A Website. I Write CD And DVD Reviews. When I Get More Experience, I'll Be Able To Do Concert Reviews And Even INTERVIEWS! Yay! So If You Wanna See Me Work, Check Out The Website (Its Under The "CD Reviews" Section). Thanxx!

P.S. There's Only 3 Reveiws Of Mine Up Thusfar, But More To Come Soon :)

www.backstageaxxess.com

Or Our Myspace:

www.myspace.com/backstageaxxesscom

I Just Got One Yesterday So.... Add Me?! Pweeze? :)

http://twitter.com/Roxxtarr

haha I Havent Really Changed My Top Friends In A Long Time And Im Not Sure Who Should Be On That List Anymore... So Im Making A Big Deal About It! :P

So If You Want To Be On My Top 12 Friends, Then Comment On This Journal Saying Why.

Special Bonus If You Can Say Something About Me That Not Many Others Know! :D haha

                                                                                                             -Thanxx :))

                                                                 **I Seriously LuVv You All Thats Why Its So Hard To Pick  <3

I Now Officially Have A Tytanium Plate And 8 Pins In My Wrist... I Wonder If I'll Set Off Metal Detectors In Airports Now :P

All's Well, Just Feeling A Little Loopy From All The Drugs Im On. At Least Now I Can Still Go To The Dance I Was Planning On Going To On Friday! :P

So It Turns Out My Broken Wrist Is More Serious Than I Thought :(

The Doctor Saw My X-Rays And Said If I Dont Get A Metal Plate And Two Screws Inserted In My Wrist, I Could Possibly Get Arthritus In That Wrist!!

Awww Mann, Its Lose Lose For Me, Cuz I Dont Want Arthritus, But I Hate Surgery... Im Opting For The Surgery Though. So Wish Me Luck On The Operating Table.

**Oh And I Cant Eat After Midnight Tonight, But My Surgery Isnt Until 3:30pm, So Im Gunna Starve!!!

                                                                                                                                      Waaaaaaaaaaahhh *crys*

I Broke My Wrist Yesterday :( So Now Im Typing With One Hand... Just Cuz I Love Buzznet That Much :P

Oh Man It Hurts.... Someone Want To Give Me A Hug?

                  I Love You Guys   :)

They're WAY Amazing... I Was Just Listening To Them Now And Thought You Should Know So You Can Look Them Up And Buy Their CD!! (Out Now) :))

                                                                     Your Welcome :P

My Great Grandma Whom I Loved Very Much Died This Week So Ive Been Busy With Grieving, The Wake, And The Funeral...

So Im Sorry If I Slowed Down On Here.. I Promise To Get Back up To Speed And Try To Cheer Up.

I love You All And Missed You Loads. So Im Truely Sorry For This Rough Patch Im Going Through :(

This Is The First Death In My Family Ive Been Alive to Experience So Im A Little Distrought.

Again Im Sorry :(

20 Today! :) LuVv Ya Gusti-Bear!

Hope Your Day Is Well And You Enjoy Being 19!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Im Back And Have Some Stories To Tell :-D

Tuesday:  We Drove To Detroit For The TH Concert And Got Their Early So We Could See Family That Live There. I Got To See My Baby Cousin :) She Loves Spongebob And Calls Him "Bob" hehe Soooo Cute! Anyway... Then We Got Ready For The Concert And Met Up With My Friend From Canada (Who I Met At A TH Concert!) Who Was Already In Line - REALLY Close To The Front :))) So I Squoze My Way Up To The 2nd Row On Toms Side And Had The BEST TIME!!! All The Guys Looked Extra Hott And I Got Looks From Bill And Tom (Georg Smiled At Me!) Afterward We Went Outside To Wait For The Guys To Get In Their Tourbus, But It Was Already Gone!! They Were Soo Quick :(

Wednesday:  We Woke Up At 8am To Drive All The Was To Ohio For Cedar Point! We Got Our Hotel Room And Then Went Straight To The Rides!! Cedar Point Has 13 Roller Coasters!!!! It Was Soooo Awsome :)) There Was Only 2 I Didnt Go On Because They Went Straight Down! And I Love Being Single Cuz A Guy Was Totally Checking Out Me And My Cousin!! haha Funn :)

Thursday:  Day 2 Of Cedar Point. We Went On The Rides Early Today To Go In Lines That Were Too Long The Day Before. We Went On A Roller Coaster With A 95 Degree Drop!!! I Had No Idea So I Almost Peed Myself!! haha Then We Went On A Chill Boat Ride Around The Park (Because My Mom Hates Roller Coasters - She Went On A Kid One And Screamed "That Was Terrible!" haha) And The Boat Tour Guy Told Lame Jokes That I Actually Laughed At! Like - What Do Call A Bear With No Teeth? ...... A Gummi Bear!! haha I Guess I Was So Tired That Anything Was Funny :-P Then At The End Of The Day We Took An Hour Drive To Cleveland So We Could Sleep In Our Hotel There Before More Stuff!! When We Got There We Got Pizza Dilivered To Our Room.. But On The Menu For The Pizz Place, There Were Also Subs- Eather A 9 Inch Or A 10 Inch!! Again We Though This Was Hilarious Because We Were Tired. Only 1 Inch Extra?! And You Had To Pay A Dollar Extra?! haha!!

Friday:  We Woke Up (In Really Comfy Beds, btw!) And Got A Complimentary Breakfast In The Lobby. There Was A Reallllly Cute Guy In Baggy Pants There, And When I Left Early With My Cousin (And I Couldent Open The Door!! But Finally Did :P) He Said "You Go Girl" And Gave Me A 'Head Bob' hehe He Was Sooooo Cute That We Wish We hadnt Left!!! Anyway.. Then We Went To The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame And Saw The Coolest Things!! ...

1. Billie Joe's (Green Day) Lyrics To "Minority"

2. Tom Petty's "Mad Hatter" hat From His Music Video

3. Slash's (Guns And Roses) Jacket And Top HAT!!!

4. Micheal Jackson's GLOVE and "THRILLER" Jacket!!

5. The Clash's Smashed Up Bass Guitar :))

So Yeah Thats Was AMAZING!! And Then We Drove Home Just In Time To See Puddle Of Mudd Preform For Free (And I Love Them So It Was Awsome!!) But Then, At the End, They Said they Would Sign Autograph At the Merch Table!! So I Got To Meet Them And Talk To Them And Get High-Fives And Hand Shakes!!! It Was Sooooo Amazing That I Seriously Started Crying After!! So Yeah - I Had A Great Week... What Did I Miss??

Im Leaving Tomorrow At 7AM!!! Ahh!!! (See Why In Last Journal!)

So Yeah I Guess This Is Goodbye :( (Until Saturday)

                                                         *RoXxTaR*

Im Leaving Tomorrow To Go To Detroit For A Tokio Hotel Concert And Then Going To Cedar Point And The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame In Cleveland, Ohio. So I'll Be Gone Until Saturday (16th). Im Going To Miss Everyone Here On Buzznet :-( But I Promise To Post Pics Of My Week Long Adventure When I Get Back... So Leave Me Notes And Things For Me Too Read And Enjoy When I Get Back!!! LuVv You All And See You Saturday!!

                                            *RoXxTaR*

...I’ve seen the police. They drive up and down our neighborhood. It makes me nervous just knowing why they’re here, who they’re looking for. What would happen if he did come back? What if the police weren’t here when he came back? I locked all the doors when I got home from school, my paranoia worsening. I wondered when all this would just go away like a bad cold. How ignorant I was to think it would. Even with a restraining order, I would still see silhouettes of people in the corner of my eyes, and when turning to see, they would disappear. My brain was on hiatus, and I would imagine the worst scenarios, making me more and more paranoid. Sometimes I would nap just to escape the thoughts that would rush in and out of my head. The worst my condition got, the more I wanted to know what of what was happening; where he was. All I could think of was what happened to him, so I had to go to my mom and talk to her again to clear my conscience.

                I go to her room, knowing that was were she would be. I hear her talking. She’s on the phone. Talking to someone that must have been in law enforcement. This was given away by the serious tone of voice she had going. She hung up shortly after with a solemn ‘thank you’. I walk in and sit down on her bed. She looked sad but somewhat contented.

                “Mom, what happened to Jeff in the end?” I asked.

                “What do you mean?” She asked back.

                “It’s just been a long time since you put the restraining order on him, and I was wondering what happened with that.” I answered.

                “Oh honey, he’s been in jail for the whole year that restraining order was in affect. And form what I was just told, he’s back in jail again for some other offense.”

                “Oh man… I didn’t know you could go to jail for a restraining order!”

                “That’s how it works, but usually someone bails the person out, but he had no one to do that for him.”

                “Wow. I’m sorry you had to go through all that, but I’m just glad you’re not with him anymore.”

                “Thank you, honey. I’m glad too.” She smiled at me for the first time in a long time.

                Then I left her to her thoughts. I didn’t want to dig any deeper than I already had. There were still questions un-answered, but that’s life, always a mystery. And some things are better off kept secret.

                I still see cop cars now and get freaked out. The other day one came down our street, turned around, and stopped for a while. I thought the worst - that Jeff had come out of jail and was threatening us again, but nothing happened after that. I also found a log journal my mom kept of when Jeff called us. Some were at three in the mourning, and some were repeated to where he called us nine times in one hour. It just made me realize how scary and real this world is. I still take things too seriously, too. Last summer a worker van came by our neighborhood pool, and someone called out “Hey Jeff! I see you’re in plumbing now, it’s been a long time!” I got very nervous. When that van drove by our house (very slowly, might I add), he looked over and I swear it was the same man.

                My imagination plays trickery games on me with what I see and hear, and ever since that dream, it has fooled me into feeling this presence. Maybe one day when I move away from here, all of this will be forgotten. Until then, I will have to remind myself that it’s all in the past, and that there’s a very slight chance of him returning. But of course, something so serious and life changing can never be fully healed in our psyches. Some things can be survived, but never buried.

                                                      *The End.*

...They were inseparable from that day on, and when they weren’t together, they talked non-stop on the phone until all hours of the night. Some nights I would stay up, listening hard to hear what they were talking about. Most of the time I envied what my mother had. I didn’t imagine that it could all turn south at any moment. She used to tell him all about us kids and what we did that she either thought was funny, troublesome, or just interesting. She was so proud of her children that she was willing to tell anyone who would listen about us. Maybe that’s why I’ve now started to worry about our whole family’s safety, not just my mom’s. He knows so much about us. This went on for a good four to five months – the loving gestures, the phone calls, and the pick-up-from-from-work routine – until it all just suddenly stopped. No more sappy love talk. No more work pick-ups. No more of him being in the house. But much more phone calls. Much more nastiness.

                Everything has gotten worse. Worse than before, when all he did was call. Now he’s calling and leaving threatening messages. He says things I wish I never heard. Things like “Come back to me or you’ll regret it” are the simpler of the threats. He even called on mom’s birthday, saying it wouldn’t be the same without him. I’ve decided to talk to my mom and ask her what’s going on, since I saw Jeff in a truck driving through our neighborhood the other day. Even though I’m the oldest child, I wasn’t prepared for the truth I was about to be told.

                “Hey, mom? What ever happened to Jeff? He hasn’t been around lately.” I asked.

                “We broke up about two weeks ago.” She replied.

                “Really? Why, did something happen?”

                “Yes, honey, something very serious happened.”

                “Can I know what that is?”

                “Only if you promise not to worry about it.”

                “I won’t.” I lied unconsciously, because I worry about everything.

                “Jeff is an alcoholic, and things weren’t working out in our favor.” She continued, “He won’t be coming around anymore, so don’t answer his calls, ok?”

                “”Alright.” Oh my god. I had no idea it was that serious. An alcoholic? “So what did he do that made you guys break up?”

                “He just wasn’t acting right, is all.”

                “Are you sure that’s all?”

                “Well I broke it off because I didn’t feel anything towards him, but after I did that, he started drinking more. Then he started threatening me and I got scared. So don’t worry if the police come through our neighborhood, it’s only for our safety until the restraining order is in affect.” She explained.

                “Restraining order?!?”

                My mind exploded. Right then and there. How can something like this be happening to us? Those two simple words mean so much more when they’re talking about your life. It’s as if my lungs collapsed inside my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I was panic-stricken. The stress of the truth hurt deep in my heart, throbbing and spastic. How could someone as sweet as my mother be sucked into such a scary predicament? I feel so much sorrow for her that she has to be scared by herself, that I slowly become more and more scared for her and my family’s safety. I don’t know why, but I keep this belief that if both my mom and I are together, we could both fight him off if he ever came to us like in my dream. I get the feeling that if I’m not there to protect my mom, it would be my entire fault if something happened to her because of him.

...I remember one time he broke his thumb in that god damned factory. My mom had to drive him everywhere – so she had to pick him up from work and get him to the hospital. He got a splint for his thumb and a teddy bear for my mom to say he was sorry that she had to do so much for him. She loved that teddy bear. To think that such a ‘sweet’ thought came out of his psychotic head now makes me sick. And that the idea of trying harder to make less of a struggle for my mom never occurred to him makes me furious.

                I’ve always worried about my mom’s well-being. She’s like my best friend, and for anything to happen to her would be like someone ripping my heart right out of my chest. She’s like an angel on earth, disguised as my mother. She always knows the right things to say and do to make me feel better about myself, no matter what I’m going through. Her hair makes me envious by just looking at it, a strawberry-blonde color that could brighten up anyone’s day, and with eyes that just scream ‘lovable’, it hard to get mad at her. At only 36, she still looks like she’s my older sister, instead of my mother. She really takes care of herself, and that’s why it confused me that she chose to date someone so… vile.

                It’s dark again. Back in my room. I’ve awaken from the most horrid of all nightmares. I scream quietly before my eyes re-open to the moonlit night around me. What torture. It’s as if he was here again, in our neighborhood, with his new truck, wanting vengeance. Just standing there, the evil glowing in his eyes. The violent urgencies growing strong in his belly. It’s as if he just came back into our lives without our permission. This dream was so vivid and real, that I’m scared to look out the window to see if he’s still standing there. Across the street, at a corner across from our stop sign. There. He had a gun. He pointed it at mom. The shot rang into the dark, gloomy air around us. She fell, and I woke up. In a cold sweat, I gain the courage to peek through the blinds of my bedroom window long enough to see that no one is there. Relief. Yet I still couldn’t get back to sleep, thinking of what I saw. I was scared of whatever might happen in real life. He was crazy, I swear he was, and I knew why.

                It was the summer of 2004. I was twelve. My mother was heartbroken and acting like she was a teenager again. She would go out to bars and clubs on the weekends and flirt with random guys while my brothers and I were spending nights at our dad’s new apartment. And why not flirt? She was single again, and still looking like she was about twenty. But the tables turned as soon as she met someone interested in a real relationship. Of course she went with the first taker, seeing how she was lonely and didn’t really know the single life that well. She married at eighteen and had been married for 14 years until just recently. She didn’t want to be single, and Jeff was there to help her. For all I know, they probably met at one of those bars she went to. He was probably one of the less skuzzy, perverted men there, so he was a ‘catch’. With dark brown hair, sculpted muscles, a cheesy smile, and a deep, manly voice, how could she refuse?

**(Read My Past Journal To Get What This Is About)**

              My room is dark now, and filled with my emotions and memories. My memories of a time when all I did was worry. About me, my family, and our safety. Not a normal thing for a teenage girl to be worrying about, now is it? It's interesting how when we, as people, think back into our past, we see that time in a whole new light. We can see the picture so much clearer than before, as if someone has finally taken off our blindfold, and shined the blinding truth in our eyes. And as we look back, we long for the good times to come back to us, and are glad the horrible times are now just distant memories that we can push aside. But for me, it is hard to push away some of my darkest times, my most painful memories. They stick with me and affect me everywhere I go, and with everything I do. It still haunts me to this day what a horrific ordeal my family had to go through, so I've decided to put it into words.

                The phone is ringing. Again. The third time this hour with the same number on the Caller I.D. I know this because I always have the need to check whose calling. It's him. Who else would be calling at this time, anyway? It's 10 p.m. and the phone never used to ring before bed. Not until now. Not until mom got a new boyfriend. And then dumped him. Back when they were happy together he would call the house at nightly hours and they would talk lovingly while I tried to get to sleep. Believe me when I say that that was annoying enough, but now it's gotten worse. Now that their relationship is over, he seems to be calling much, much more. The worst part is that this time mom hasn't answered one call. Is she hiding something from me? Why isn’t she answering him? Maybe he just wants her back and she doesn't want to reconcile, so she's keeping her distance. But doesn't he realize by now that it's over? How long could this possibly take to get the message into his head?

                My parents went separate ways when I was eleven because my dad was unfaithful to my mother and bored of his routine life. But that's a whole other story. The point was that one year my dad starting seeing and calling another woman while he was on vacation with us, his own family, which left my mom angry, depressed, and lonely. She wanted so desperately to get back at the man whom she loved and broke her heart. Don't get me wrong, my mom has a heart of gold herself, but who in their right mind gives up the chance for revenge in situations like this? You? I didn't think so. So how would you get back at a cheater? Cheat back. And guess who was the first guy she could pick up. That's right, him. Jeff. The worst mistake of her life.

                It seemed so sudden when she broke off the relationship. Maybe she realized she didn't really care for him, and that it was cruel to lead him on just for the sake of her own revenge, but I guess I'll never know. The only way I was told that they weren't together anymore was by me realizing that he wasn't coming around anymore. And we weren't picking him up from work anymore. His work - a disgusting steel factory that looked like a run-down storage area now filled with drug dealers. All the men that came out of that place were sweaty, hairy, scummy, and reeked of nicotine and grease. Not to mention that the factory was located next to a sewage pumping factory, so every time we drove there me and my brothers would have to plug our noses from the stench. And he smoked. At least two packs a day. His lungs looked like they were on fire with how much smoke came out of them. Theis upset me deeply when I was 12 and still innosent. We'd have to wait for him to smoke at least one cigarette each time we picked him up before we could leave. What a filthy man he was. I'm surprised my mom even tried with him, she despised smokers, and he was a lowlife on so many levels. The lowest of all low.